The Art of Untidying

I have always been a tidy person, as is my mother, as was her mother before her. I never thought of myself as tidy. But in more than one workplace, I have had coworkers make a game out of moving things out of order in my office and seeing how long it would take me to notice. The answer? Typically less than five minutes. Maybe I am just a little bit tidy.

Kim does not share my level of tidiness. Not even close. One of the benefits of starting a relationship later in life is that you have no illusion of being able to change the person with whom you are falling in love. I never once thought that she would become tidier out of love for me. Kim is going to be Kim, not Rachel. When I first went to her house when we were dating, I told myself, “Okay…if you live with her someday, you will have this many piles of random papers and various nature finds on all the surfaces in your house. Can you accept this about her?” I decided that I could, but I would have to work on myself to prevent resentment.

We talked about it before we moved in together, and she told me that my tidiness concerned her. “I used to be very tidy too,” she said. “It hurt my relationships because tidiness is about control. Controlling your environment also means you are controlling the other people who live in that environment. And you can’t do that to me.”

If there is one thing I know about Kim, it is that she will not be controlled.

“I want to live in my house,” she added. “I don’t want to worry about what people who don’t live here think of me. I will not apologize that my house looks lived in.”

Everything Kim said made good sense. Curiosity is one of my values so I wanted to try it and see what happened.

It is really hard to change habits so it was something that I did slowly. First, I just tried not making the bed every day, an easily justifiable move for two middle-aged women who sweat like crazy every night. Let those stinky sheets dry out! I added not vacuuming the floors every time we had a visitor. A more difficult task for me since we have dogs and one of them is a stinky beagle-mix who sheds a lot. I extended my time after a meal before I start the dishes, and sometimes (but not always) I wait for Kim to wash the dishes. Finally I gave myself one room in the house where Kim cannot have piles—my office. I practice having my own piles in here and work on my endurance for letting them go.

I’m learning that most guests feel more comfortable in our house if it is a little messy. Kim was right about that. People feel more at home in a space that looks lived in, and I certainly am less anxious without the constant pressure to tidy up.

Now I know that some of you are in one-sided relationships when it comes to the distribution of household chores. I am not talking about tolerating that kind of behavior. One of the best things about being a lesbian is living with another woman. I will always be tidier than Kim, and I won’t apologize for that. But she tidies up without me asking, just because it will make me happy. Also she eventually picks up her piles. She just doesn’t do it on my timeline. I have realized that forcing her to be on my timeline is about judgment and control. She was right about that too.

The point in the art of untidying is to make a decision not to let the quotidian tasks define who you are. I don’t invite people to my home because I want to be known for my tidiness. I invite them because I live here. Hospitality isn’t creating a perfect space. It is creating a space that feels safe. A space where you know you will be well cared for.

If you book a coaching session at our house, I can promise you that it won’t be perfectly tidy and you will get dog hair on your clothes. We live here, and we won’t apologize for that. I can also promise you that you will be listened to and cared for, even if it is only for a little while, because that is how we live.

Welcome to Two Birds. We are a mess, just like you.